just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
