Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
