Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
