I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
