If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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