Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
