I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
