If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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