Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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