highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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