I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
