In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I would ride that face into the sunset
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
