walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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