you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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