This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
