no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
