just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
