Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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