I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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