I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
