I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
