Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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