do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
