I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize