we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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