Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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