I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
