This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize