I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
