i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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