I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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