when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
honey bunches of taint.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
