guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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