My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize