Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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