please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
