I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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