If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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