Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We need to get me chipped asap
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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