Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
