Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
