you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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