My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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