is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
