I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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