I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
