he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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