I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
