i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
