I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
