I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just pee around me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize