She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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