I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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