is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
