my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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