Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
