Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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