Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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