What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
