yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
