She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
