Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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