HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
