and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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